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Disclaimer: I am a 45 year old white male who grew up in the suburbs and have no business writing a rap song. If you choose to read on please keep that in mind and be glad I didn’t choose to actually record my Roth rap. Thanks to Jay-Z for the creation of the original “99 Problems” and mad props to my boy Jeff for creating the Roth IRA Account Movement. Stop by that link and you will find over 100 articles dedicated to teaching you all the ins and outs of retirement investing via a Roth IRA.

If you know anything about rap music you’ve heard the stylings of Jay-Z and his famous 2004 single “99 Problems”. I’m sure it’s been used often as a springboard for other subjects, most famously by Jay-Z himself at the Staff Ball, the last official event of Barack Obama’s inauguration. During the set he tweaked the lyrics and sang “I Got 99 problems but a Bush ain’t one”. To my knowledge no one has ever used the song to promote investing in a Roth IRA (or ANY type of investing) so I thought I would give it a shot. If you’re not familiar with the song look it up on YouTube, but be forewarned that the lyrics are NSFW.

If you’re havin’ cash problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t one

[Verse One]
I got my retirement patrol on auto patrol
The IRS want to take my money ‘mo
My critics say I’m a “Money Cash Ho”
I’m from the ‘burbs stupid, what type of facts are those
If you grew up poor or even what you thought poor
You’d be celebrating the minute you was havin’ dough
I’m like screw that critic give me my Roth
If you don’t like my savings you go get lost
I got beef with you spenders not saving your dough
You ain’t got no Roth, no retirement SO
All the advertisers they try to sell you a lie
So you go out and spend on stuff you don’t need to buy
What they take us for when they raid our cash
We got more intelligence than those advertisers has
We save for retirement baby we ain’t dumb
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t one
Hit me

[Chorus]
99 problems but the Roth ain’t one
If you’re havin’ cash problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t one
Hit me

[Verse Two]
The year’s ’04 and my degree is fresh
Looking back at college years my finances got messed
I got two choices y’all keep spending or
Pay off debt and get my retirement set to the core
Now I don’t want to see no cat food retirement for me
And I got some good cash flow I can save that dough
So I set up my budget, my 401(k) and my Roth
And I heard “Why you can’t come out anymore?”
Cause I’m young and I’m wise and I’m saving my dough?
I’m not in college no more, saving’s how I roll
Should I join you and then all my money be blown?
“Well we still party and spend don’t you know”
“And we miss your face when we’re out at the bar”
“Are you sure you can’t spend, you don’t need no Roth, just come as you are ”
I ain’t stoppin’ my savings, retirements legit
“Well do you mind if we call you a cheap sorry git?”
Well my savings are on auto so are the Roth and the k
Call me what you want I’ll be laughing to my grave
“Aren’t you smart as a tack, you a broker or something?”
“Or some financial guru or somethin’?”
Nah I ain’t got no CPA or CFP but I know a little bit
Enough to know my Roth is the shit
“We’ll see how smart you are when the stock markets done”
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t one
Hit me

[Chorus]
99 Problems but a Roth ain’t one
If you’re havin’ cash problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t one
Hit me

99 Problems but a Roth ain’t one
If you’re havin’ cash problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t one
Hit me

[Verse Three]
Now once upon a time no too long ago
I had mountains of debt, no retirement roll
Not a roll in the sense of something to eat
But a roll of cash to help keep me off the street
I tried to ignore it, but eventually I know
That saving for retirement was the way to go
Tax free withdrawls when I turn 59
No more worries about payin’ the IRS a dime
My Roth gonna give me a great peace of mind
Knowing that I won’t need to worry about mine
And there I will be without a care in the world
While you all are workin’ ’til the end of your world
Companies with they rules ruling your world
IRS come to give you the shaft again
50% of your wages in taxes again
All because you couldn’t see how a Roth would keep it from them
Tax free growth and withdrawals, a Roth gives you them
And a retirement sweet and rich as chocolate
I got 99 problems but not havin’ a Roth ain’t one
Hit me

99 Problems but a Roth ain’t one
If you’re havin’ cash problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t one
Hit me

You’re crazy for this one Jeff Rose
It’s you boy